Today's painting is party of my "Patio Junk" series. This one was done for a friend's house-warming

Yesterday was the first time in about a month that I've felt good enough to play any serious time in WoW. I spent some quality time in the Battle Grounds. I logged in this morning thinking to check how much honor I've generated for the Horde, but alas and alack, I must have been playing past midnight server time. I did get close to 320 HKs yesterday though.

I'm afraid that I'm going to have to admit to myself that I'm not going to be able to play much WoW. At least, not until I can figure out how to ration it. I haven't played much in the last month. Ok, make that "I haven't played at all" in the last month. No brutal trips to the ER in the last month for headaches that need duladin. Twice I've played WoW this week, twice I've needed to go to the ER.
Now, it could be a coincidence that I'm also in a Low. And I've had my tumor shut off 3 times this week. That right there is enough to be hard on me.

So, no playing WoW hardcore until I'm High again. I didn't have this problem for months, then all of a sudden I"m having it when I'm really Low. Not fair!

It might be something to do with the tumor screwing with my eyesight. I can play The Sims2 just fine, but the video requirements are vastly different. Then again, it could be the excitement. If I'm already Low, and I'm getting all worked up because some idiot can't figure out tactics, or some cowardly NE rogue and druid combo keep ganking me, that's gonna both generate cortisol and eat it. Eat more than I make, I think. Which is why I end up in trouble.

Great, so while I love my Sims, I guess I'm restricted to them when I'm on a Low. No world domination in any form when I'm Low.

Phooey.

***
right. I was in the ER again last night. Normally my husband "gets" it, but last night he wanted me to ride it out, or some such nonsense. This one was different that the usual ones. It felt like a bolt of lightning, and I ended up passing out on the kitchen floor. He made me wait 2 hours before taking me in to the ER. They did a CT and shot me full of duladin. We got home at 4 am. This morning, I woke up at 7:30 with a different kind of brutal headache. I don't think the pain is any less than it was last night, ok, it's an 8.5 as opposed to a 9.9, but I've gone to the ER with 8.5 headaches. But this is a manageable headache. This one I can drink a litter of water, two large cups of coffee and some overt the counter pain meds, and I"m good. I don't even have to dip into the prescription meds. At least, I don't think I'm going to have to. But that's a big difference between the two headaches, that have the same sort of pain scale. I'm going to have to figure out some way to get it through my sweet husband's thick skull, that when I need to go, I need to go. I know I'm Low, I just have to make it through this one Low. That's all I have to do, is make it through this Low... My surgery date is coming, it has to be.

CSS done! 9-21-06

I’m On a RAGING High still. My cortisol is Sky High, still, which is good for traveling. Better than being crashed anyway. I was able sleep for three hours this morning, which is the most I've been able to sleep in one stretch since Sunday, even while I was sedated after the CSS. I'm still going 8,000 miles a minute, so please forgive me if this isn't making the most sense.

I just got back from OHSU a few hours ago. Normally it would be a 4 hour-ish drive, but since I had to go to South West Hospital in Vancouver for more tests it turned into a six hour drive. Ah well.

I got a call from Dr. Ludlum just before I got home, and he said that the results from the CSS were good. That the tumor has lateralized. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but he was pleased, so it's good for my case.

I will continue to do UFC tests while I'm still raging High; the more High numbers, the better for the board. Monday I will have a full MRI and MRV for the Neurologist, but Dr. L is convinced that my crushing headaches are caused by the Cushing’s, and the MRI will just add proof of the pituitary. Right now the head aches are so bad Oxycodone is just taking the edge off the worst of the head aches. The Neuro is pleased that I'm mixing the different prescription so that I'm not getting hooked on them.

So. Dr. L will be taking my case to the Tumor Board next week. Which means that I will probably be looking at having Pituitary surgery in a few weeks, according to Dr. L.

So, I just go home. Like I said, I'm still sky high, and I'll prolly be up for most of the night, yet again.

I'll let you know more, as I know things

Courage and Strength!

Third time’s a Charm! 9/18/2006

Ok, I'm going to OHSU tomorrow for my PICC line, starting the 32-hour blood draws at Midnight, and checking in for my CSS at 6:30 am Wednesday.

Good thing I woke up BING! at 4:30 am High. Of course, not so good to be freaking/tweaking at the grocery store. I started twitching and tweaking just before I started checking out. and the muttering. Me, I was muttering, not other patrons, but I know I was getting some weird looks from my fellow shoppers. I'm just glad I got home before it got bad.

My son greeted me at the door with "oh good, you've got that crazy look in your eye, anything else in the trunk?"

10 minutes later I'm in the full teeth of the freeker/tweeker and I'm talking to Dr. L. He said to Page him the next time this happened to me, so I did. I know I wasn't very coherent, but possibly more importantly, HE knows I wasn't very coherent.

So, I just got back from a blood draw, nice to see if they caught anything during this latest freaker/tweaker episode. And as usual, it lasted just about 2 hours.

The following IM log was while I was in the teeth of the last freeker/tweeker episode. I was trying to tell my husband that I needed to go back to OHSU to get a PICC line, which he knew, because I’d just spoken with him about it on the phone. It didn’t matter, my brain didn’t work. Each key stroke was so very hard to make. Normally I type about 90 words a minute, not terribly accurate, but I’m a light touch. When I was trying to type that conversation. I was mashing each and every letter. I was crushing each letter, with all the force my body could muster

I say:

mike ike ike

I say:

get opc line tomrrow

Husband Says:

where?

I say:

ohoh oh

I say:

ohsususu

I say:

damn

Husband Says:

You driving down there?

I say:

yes

Husband Says:

today or tomorrow?

I say:

morrow orrwo orrw

Husband Says:

Have you called Tracy to see if you can stay with her?

I say:

nonononoono

Husband Says:

are you sure you are safe to drive

I say:

not sfe to do asny thingthing thing

Husband Says:

have spencer take you to the store then

I say:

just got back

I say:

back back

Husband Says:

oooh okay

I say:

this started ed ed whil I was thereerere

Husband Says:

ooo,

I say:

hes taking me to get t t bloddddd

Husband Says:

okay, good

I say:

att local laaabblablab

I say:

makke it it it stoptoptpppp

I say:

willlll walll wenn gettt backkkkkkkkkk

Husband Says:

Okay

At This point we left to get the blood work done…..

I say:

there is something exquisitely terrifying about not being in control of one's body

I say:

I started to tweak while I was at the grocery store.

I say:

I was praying that I was going to make it home before it really started

I say:

or at least, before it got bad.

Husband Says:

I am glad you made it home safe

I say:

I don't think any of what I typed made sense, did it?

Husband Says:

It did

I say:

I mean, while I was in the teeth of that ... episode

Husband Says:

I know

I say:

I couldn't make my fingers work right. I was pounding the keys, mashing them, smashing and crushing the keys

Husband Says:

I could tell it wasn't easy for you

I say:

I have no idea why I called you to tell you I was calling Dr. L.

I say:

Spud couldn't figure out why I was calling you and not Dr. L

I say:

for for some reason, it was vital that you knew i was calling him

Husband Says:

I understood

Husband Says:

Did you talk with him?

Husband Says:

or with his assistant

I say:

I'm glad someone understood

I say:

stood

I say:

I spoke with him.

I say:

he said it's time to get me cured

I say:

that I wouldn't have to do this much longer

I say:

something about either Lynne will call or I need to call Lynn to get the Picc line set up for tomorrow, and start the draws at 00:01 Wednesday...

I say:

00:01, 00:30, 04:00 and I need to be at the hospital at 6:30 am for admitting...

Husband Says:

Okay

Husband Says:

Getting thursday off isn't a problem. It is the company meeting that I wasn't planning on attending anyway

Husband Says:

I just need to be able to squeeze out Wednesday.

I say:

I'm tired

Husband Says:

I say:

I got up at 4:30

Husband Says:

Oh, I didn't know

I say:

yup, popped High

I say:

BING! I was awake

Back to OHSU, trip #3

Well, Dr. L called me last night to go over last week. I'm always impressed with his dedication. He called me at around 5:30 pm, on a Friday night no less.

So, I failed the dex test. No big surprise there. But since my tumor shut off an hour or so after taking the first dose, he's not sure that I'll ever "pass: that test. We are going to give it one more go though.

I had more high UFC numbers while I was down there, as well as one high midnight cortisol. My ACTH was way out of range as well. But no good on the salivaries.

So. I'm headed back to OHSU for another full week's test. This time there will definitely be a CSS involved.

He thinks he has enough to take my case to the Board. But he's not 100% sure. Part of the problem with being cyclic is that it's so hard to catch the numbers consistently. Except for the UFCs being 3-4 times normal, the other numbers could be dismissed as "slightly elevated."

If you take a group of florid Cushies and a group of healthy folks and have them test the same way, you will get a range of numbers that over lap. The Healthy folks will have some high numbers and the Cushies will have some low numbers. Most of my numbers fall in the over lap range.

So, I'll be heading back to OHSU for the full week treatment again, on the first available time slot.

We talked about me turning into the freaker/tweaker princess. Chris had explained to him a little how I was, and I tried to hammer it home to him how aweful it is when I’m like that. It goes beyond being manic, it goes right into hypermania. Hyper-mania isn’t even a recognized word, but it is sure how I feel when I’m in the teeth of one of those episodes. He told me that I was going to hate him, but he doesn’t want me to make them stop, not yet anyway. He wants me to test, test, test. Because I typically have a mini crash right after one of these, the UFC won’t do much of a good test. So, I’ll need to go have blood work done. Because I don’t have a good grasp on reality while I’m in the middle of one of these episode, Spud has been directed to take me to the lab so they can do my blood draws.

I had originally wanted Spud to give me a big stiff drink. I showed him how to make a light and refreshing rum drink, but he wasn’t terribly impressed. Heh, not my Spudders. But Dr. L put the kibosh on that plan, since he wants me to test. I don’t’ want to test. I want to throw a world class temper tantrum at the thought of testing while one of those episodes, when all I want to do is make it stop.

The appointment with the neuro. Dr. Fosmire, I think went well. He’s not quite sure what to do with me, given my Cushing’s. He put me on Topomax for the headaches, and he’s ordered a full MRI & MRV test. At OHSU they just did an MRI of my Pit area, he wants to check to see if I have a problems with my arteries in the head. He thinks that the washing-machine in my head might be a blood vessel near my ear, but he couldn’t explain why it would switch sides of my head. He’s going with the “atypical-migraine” theory. At least until the films come back.

Week at OHSU.. no CSS 9/8/06

I did NOT have the CSS like I thought I was going to, nor have I met Dr. D. There is a possibility that I will meet him tomorrow, but I'm not actually holding my breath. I don't know why I didn't have it after Dr. L said last Tuesday, and now I feel somewhat foolish for saying that I was going to have one.

I've had a great visit with a couple of Cushies who were in town! One of the husbands is a hoot and a half, and my husband and I had a good time geeking out with him at Lunch. But poor cushie-wife was in a Low while I was Sky High...

I got really good at drawing my blood for the 32 hour draws, and my dear husband was ever so thankful he only had to play messenger service, not actually do the blood draws.

One thing I figured out is to make up all the packets for the tests as soon as I got my orders and supplies. It was VERY annoying trying to dig out everything for the 4 am draw, especially since I'd made the kits ahead for earlier draws.

Hopefully I won't be doing another 32 hour test, but if I do, I'm prepared.

The other thing I learned was to bring an insulated no-drip coffee cup. Being from Seattle I only have about 8 or 10 of these things about the house, and it was so much easier for my hubby to just take the cup filled with ice to the ER than to try to worry about an ice bucket and random ice going around those really sharp corners up the hill to OHSU. I think next time I will bring small baggies to put the tubes in when they go inside the insulated coffee cup.

Tuesday I had lunch with a cured Cushie and her cousin, and I could feel myself spinning up faster and faster. I know that I must have appeared to be a speed freak, or a coke-head as fast as I was talking, and as tangential as I was. They are absolute dolls, and it was helpful for me to know that they had a darn good idea of what was happening.

So, I go up early for my 2:30 appointment at the clinic and I'm suddenly spun WAY out of control. Patty at the front desk wanted me to fill out the "why are you here" paper work, and I couldn't figure out what the heck I was there for. I couldn't think, I couldn't concentrate, and I think I wrote down something like "I'm here for Cushing’s but my brain won't work anymore, help" So I get back to the room, and my blood pressure is the highest it has ever been in my entire life, I'm crying, and I can't stop moving! I couldn't stop pacing, shaking my hands and head at the same time. I was a freaking out, and not having a good time at all. Chris had me do an immediate draw, but I had to have her help because I was so frenetic. I explained that I've been like this before. Or at least I tried to explain that.

Frenetic is the only word for how I felt for close to three terrible hours.

Chris had me draw my blood at 3, 4 and 5 o'clock. I'd done one at Noon, and then the regularly scheduled one at 8. I can only hope and pray that they caught something. Chris wanted to know if I've ever done that before, and yes, all the gods and goddesses help me, I've been that way before. I finally started to calm down a few minutes to 5, but I was still mighty spun High.

So, Wednesday, I started the Dex. Before I started, my back hurt so bad, I was pretty sure the crash was on its way. My husband and I decided that we would kill some time by taking a drive up to Mount Hood, but by the time we got to the Village of Government Camp, an hour or so after I took the first dose of Dex, I crashed as hard as I was afraid I was going to. For about 4 hours I was completely out of it, with a few dips back to lucidity. Or what I thought was lucidity. My brain would work, but it was too much effort to say more than a few words. I don't think I've ever sat still that long before, not moving a muscle.

He called Dr. L, but my symptoms were bad enough to need to go to the ER, but that I needed to be watched. Since I'm staying with my friend here, whose mom just happens to be a nurse, Mike makes the call to go to their house early. He had to half carry me to the Mom's bed, where I slept for several more hours.

Then Bing! I wake up! I'm alert and my entire body functions just like it is supposed to.

But, being on the Dex, I don't have the BRUTAL headaches that normally accompany such a crash. That was significant, all by its lonesome. Dr. L told my husband that the dex would make things better. Or make me feel better, anyway. I don't know if there is a difference there.

I was really afraid that I was going to crash as hard as I ended up doing. I knew that as High as I was, my Low would be that low. But the amazing thing is that I didn't have the headaches or the back flank pain I normally get when I crash. I know I said that before, but I wanted to repeat myself because it was so significant.

Since I've been on the Dex, I feel GREAT! I mean really wonderful. There have even been times where the washing-machine noise in my head has completely stopped! It's been amazing to have that noise shut off, even if it's only for a few hours at a time.

I don't know what to expect tomorrow when Chris shoots me full of that stuff to see if I suppress or not. I don't know if it is going to call the head-aches that the Dex has been able to put off. I just don't know.

But one thing I am going to do is ask for a prescription for Dex! It makes me feel... like a normal person. Like I've been able to strike a wonderful balance between that High and Low. These last couple of days have felt nothing like when I Swing up High from my Low, because I know what those feel like. These last couple of days I have felt like I think Normal is supposed to feel like (except the part where I have to get up at 1 AM to take the dex or the 4 am Potty trips.... I'm pretty sure that Normal doesn't include those

The last time I did the dex test, it didn't seem to have any affect on me. Nothing that I could detect anyway.

But oh mamma! What a difference this time! I feel absolutely great on it. I think partly because I was headed for a land-me-in-the-ER crash, and this time, while I did have an extended period of "extreme weakness" I haven't had the terrible headache that I normally do.

How terrible to have a normal headache. Sorry, but that's just odd to say that. To be like that.

After the Terrible High I was on Tuesday, this crash should have been just as bad, but since I've been on the Dex, no headache! No brutal back ache!

I wonder if I'll be able to talk them into giving me a prescription for it to take home.

It is wonderful to not live on peracets for half the time. Just wonderful.

Anyway, sorry for such a long post.

I prolly won't post again until Saturday. I'm still in Portland at my friend's place. Hopefully I'll be able to leave mid-afternoon. If it gets much later than 3 pm I'll have to stay another night because I cannot see in the dark. When you can't see in the dark, you don’t' get to drive in the dark.

CSS Bound, but the question is when 8/30/2006

I met with Dr. L down in OHSU yesterday.

I have enough high UFCs, which DR. L says are the tough ones to get. I just need the high other numbers. I will be going down again for the full round of tests, since my last time there I was on a Low. Instead of going on their schedule, I'll be going on my schedule.

I'm not sure when my next High will hit. I've been on a terrible Low for over two weeks now, or at least I think it's been two weeks, I don't remember going on a good raging High in the last couple of weeks. I might, but my brain isn't working on all cylinders lately.

So, when I start heading High again, I need to call Dr. L that I'm coming down. I'll be doing the full week's work-up, including the 32-hour blood draws (every 4 hours), and a CSS with Dr. D.

"Cavernous sinus sampling (CSS) is highly accurate in distinguishing Cushing's disease from the ectopic adrenocorticotropin syndrome and in predicting intrapituitary tumor location." So basically, the CSS will tell the surgeons where to look for the tumor.

I met Jamie and Mars and Mars' mom for Lunch. It was really great to meet y'all, and you really helped me. I was such a basket case because, well, I was/am Low, and I think anyone would be more than a little emotional just before a big appointment.

But the key is to get High.

Anyway, I just wanted to give y'all a heads up.

Oh, and this morning I got a call from the lab for the local Endo (the one who put me on the Mediterranean diet because I need to lose weight. You remember him...) they did the tests on one of the UFCs WRONG. I have no idea what they did wrong, but there you go. I told the lab tech that I'd be in when I'm High, and not before. She was kind of taken aback, but there is no point in doing a UFC when I'm not High. At least not for that Endo...

Oh, after sleeping today until 11 am, then drinking two giant cups of strong coffee and falling asleep in the middle of drinking one of them... I slept for another couple of hours. Then I went to my husband's company picnic and rode my first ever Jet ski! It was a blast, and I went fast enough that I thought my glasses would fly off! It was so much fun, and I'm gonna do that as soon as I can! Of course, when I got back, the first thing I did was change into my jammies and bed where I napped a bit.

OHSU, part II 8/28/2006

Tomorrow I go see Dr. L at OHSU again. A couple of weeks ago Lynne called me and told me that they want to see me. That I didn’t need to test any more. I guess when they tell you that it’s because they have all the data they need or want.

Part of me is so afraid that he’s calling me down to tell me that there is nothing they can do for me. That I don’t need to test any more because there is nothing wrong, at least nothing wrong that losing weight won’t fix. Oh sure, if only I could lose weight.

My husband said that I shouldn’t worry, that they wouldn’t have us drive 3 hours plus each way, just to tell me that there is nothing more to do. He figures that Dr. L would just dump me over the phone, like any bad relationship.

My son asks me every day when are they going to take this thing out of my head. And then he either punches me in the arm or bitch-slaps me, or attempts to anyway. That’s one way he can tell if I’m High or Low… if I’m High there is no way he’s going to count coup on me, no way. But when I’m Low on the other hand… well, he knows that I’m going to be moving in slow motion, tai chi slow… He’s got a long way to go before he counts enough coups on me, that’s for sure; I’m so far ahead on the coup count he will never catch up.

Last week was really rough for me. I was very, very Low, and my headaches were beyond reasonable. I was temped to go to the ER a couple of time, but it wasn’t until Friday night when I was throwing up that I went. I’d taken two phengren during the day, but by 8:00 pm I was throwing up, or at least I was giving it the old collage try. After the fifth dry heave session I gave up and had Mike drive me to the ER. I didn’t’ want to go, but I couldn’t’ stop heaving, and I couldn’t keep anything down.

We had to wait for over an hour in the waiting room, so many sic people on a Friday night. The doc thought it was another migraine, but this time I didn’t have the weakness, so I could explain exactly what the headache felt like. These headaches are nothing like migraine, but something more. I can only hope that when I finally do have the pit surgery they will go away.

Anyway, it took the nurse three tries before she was able to start the line. But she used lidocane, and besides, my head was in so much pain I don’t know that I would have even noticed the IV going in. Yeah, that bad. The doc wasn’t convinced that I’m not having “atypical migraines” so she wanted to try a combination of phenegren and benidryl. She said that was a sure fire way to knock out a migraine. Well, like I said, it wasn’t a migraine, and no it didn’t work. So she ordered a large dose of the narcotic for me. She said they were done pussy-footing around.

On previous trips to the ER they gave me the usual small amounts, then had to repeat several times before I was beyond the pain. The last time they gave me a double dose, but again, had to keep repeating the dosage of the medication. This time they just game me a large syringe of the good stuff, lowered my bed and put me on oxygen. I have no idea how long I was knocked out, but it worked. I didn’t have a head ache the next morning. You have no idea how wonderful it is to wake up without a headache. If you do know, you have my deepest sympathies.

Before she gave me the injection, we talked about pain management. She sent me home with a prescription for the highest dose percacet they make, a big bottle. She wants me to keep on top of the pain, and to not let it get away from me. So, now I don’t let the headaches get to far into the really bad range before I start managing the pain. No more “riding it out.” No more being the tough girl. She also had the radiology department make a CD of my CT scan from last week. We thought I was having a stroke or a TIA because the right side of my face was melting.

I see the neurologist in a couple of weeks, but tomorrow I go to OHSU to see Dr. L. Back to that worry.


And now for something completely different…

The chinchillas are my husband's pets, but I've been training them to get used to being handled, so they will willingly come to me in their cage, because they know I always have a treat for them. Tonight I decided that I'd start working on them to see going in their balls as a happy thing, so I put treats in them, and let it be their decision to go in the ball, or not. Usually my husband stuffs them in there so he can clean their cages, very high adrenaline stuff...

I was able to coax them into their balls and they had a good roll-around. Now I have these basketball sized balls roaming freely around my house. One of the chinchillas is really adventuresome, while the other got himself stuck between some pillows and boy shoes...Chilly got out of his ball, and it didn't take much effort to catch him. Spud, my son, scared him under my Chase lounge then I had him turn on the light, and I got one of the millet sprays to try to coax in from under it. Instead, he just crawled up between my arms as I was kneeled beside the chase

Chilly let me pick him up without any fight or struggle. He wasn't interested in the millet, he just wanted me. He didn't struggle at all while we walked to the cage, all the while I was telling him what a good boy he was. Then he stretched out on one of the platforms, like they do when they are hot.

Weekly check-in 8-25-2006

I’m still super low but I'm finally starting to swing back up. I'm yawning my head off and I didn't sleep too well, kept waking up every couple of hours.

Tuesday can't come soon enough, I have an appointment with Dr. L in the afternoon. I'm super nervous, I'm so very afraid that they are calling me down to tell me that there is nothing wrong with me, that I'm just fat and lazy. My husband tells me that if that was just the case that they would just call me to dump me over the phone. I was just going to take the train down from Seattle, but Husband nixed that--he wants to go with me to make sure that they understand how worse I've gotten. My Highs are higher and my Lows are lower. Someone let me off this scary ride, it isn't fun!

I was concerned that I'd still be really low next week for my trip to OHSU but now it's looking like I'll have swung High in time for them to see me as a lunatic.

My son is so funny. Everyday when he gets home from work he has to check where I am in my cycle. I know he gets a kick out of rough-housing with me, and counting coup on each other is one of our favorite games. when I'm High he rarely gets in a touch, but when I'm low it's effortless for him I know he's really worried about me, but he hides it well.

Thoughts 8-24-2006

How terrible it is to doubt one's self. I know that for a long time I was told that there wasn't anything wrong with me that losing weight wouldn't cure. I was seeing one idiot doctor that thought all my troubles were because I was a hypochondriac, nothing more. I suddenly developed insomnia, and was sent to therapy because people don't just "suddenly develop insomnia." It had to be stress. After years of feeling exhausted when I would wake up, I finally got sent to a sleep clinic where low and behold, I had really bad sleep apnea, not something that could be treated with therapy.

The point is to keep pushing.

As for the cycles, one way to think about it is that your pituitary gland is like the master thermostat for your hormones. When it doesn't function right, it might flood the system one day and starve it the next day. I know for a fact that my cortisol levels do fluctuate, I went from 299 to 61 cortisol levels in 3 days, and probably dropped lower because I didn't test after the 61 level day.

Some people cycle for very long periods, months at a time where they are in different phases, while other people cycle much shorter, almost like a light switch flicking off and on. These cycles make it much more difficult to catch a High, especially if we haven't figured out how our system reacts.

And I don't think it's all that rare, just rarely diagnosed. Because one of the main symptoms of Cushing's is obesity, we are dismissed and fat and lazy.

Courage and Strength!

Restless legs 8-21-2006 at 05:07 PM

I've had restless legs all my life, so does my mom. I've found that if I eat LOTS of broccoli it seems to help. Unfortunately, not even I can eat 8 servings of broccoli a day/night. I take extra folic acid supplements and that seems to help. My mother read an article in Prevention magazine about 800 years ago and they suggested extra folic acid as a possible treatment/cure.

My entire bed gets destroyed when I sleep, On the nights I don't/can't sleep, I'm absolutely astounded that when my husband get up, he can just smooth down the covers on his side of the bed, and of course, mine hasn't been touched. When I sleep alone in a bed, everybody's side gets messed up!

I've been taking Mirapex for about 3 years now and it really makes a huge difference in my restless legs. The difference is in getting to sleep, or being miserable until I drop from exhaustion. You see, for me, when it's bad, it isn't a case of wiggly legs, but flailing about like a woman possessed by demons. I'm sure I'd have been burned at the stake!

When I'm feeling compelled to audition for the Rockets, I find it's just easier to get up and high step round the house until I can't move another muscle. (Usually only when I run out of the Mirapex.) If I lie on my tummy, I just do flutter kicks, like I'm swimming, then my husband kicks me out of bed. Not really, but I’m sure he wants to kick me out on night like that. Instead, I take pity on the poor man, and go wiggle and vibrate in the kitchen until I’m ready to drop.

Someone suggested heavy blankets to keep one's legs quite... what torture that would be for me! My ex-husband would get fed up with me and my legs and would try to physically restrain me... what torture.

As far as I know, RLS and panic attacks have nothing to do with each other. To give you an idea of the difference between the two, consider these the following:

RLS is sort of like that guy who sits next to you with his leg wiggly, and just won't stop wiggling it. Bouncing that knee, like there was an imaginary baby being entertained. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, and wiggle. You kind of want to stab him with your pen, but it's nothing serious...

Panic attacks, on the other hand... AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM and AHHHHHHHH!!!! Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!! Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!! KIDNAPPERS!!!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!! SPIDERS IN MY SHOE!!!!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!! MISSING BABIES!!!!!!!!! and Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! DEATH !!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!! Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!! and LOOKOUT!!!! CAR CRASH!!!!!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!! SPIDERS!!!! Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!! WATCH OUT!!!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!! And DANGER!!!! DANGER!!!! DANGER!!!! DANGER!!!! DANGER!!!! DANGER!!!!

But that's probably just me.

wacky weight loss 8-21-2006

LMAO

Ok, I have to laugh, really really hard. I had the entire fill removed from my band, because of the nausea I've been fighting, so I don't have the extra protection from over-eating. I've been on a rip-roaring High and so I expected to be gaining weight. I also have been drinking Rum and light fruit beverages, because I wanna. (There is some evidence that alcohol reduces the amount of free cortisol in the bloodstream) I've also been eating ice cream and pasta. Yes, that's right, I've been eating pasta this week! Pasta and bread, everyday! (Well, almost every day)

The new Endo I saw for my Cushing's told me that I need to lose weight (you think?), and he's going to help me do it. He completely glossed over me having WLS... Anyway, he put me on the Mediterranean Diet, lots of pasta and grains, very low protein.

I'm down 5 pound this week.

I go back to Portland next week, hopefully they will schedule surgery to remove the tumor.

crazy gardener lady 8-20-2006

Highs and Lows are so personal, and some of us find our Highs and Lows merge into one weird feeling. I'm lately finding Highs and Lows crossing over into each other.

Right now I'm on an insane High. Wednesday I crashed hard and ended up in the ER with "profound weakness." Today I was doing yard work like a crazy woman, like a woman possessed. Moved one of my compost bins, started to pressure wash the back of the house but the Husband took over because I was crying because I'm ... possessed. I have no idea why I'm driven to do yard work. I mean DRIVEN to do yard work when I'm on a High. I just put down two big bags of beauty bark in the back-yard, moved the compost, spent an hour killing blackberries, raking ... Mike gets mad because I keep over doing it. Well, mad isn't the right word, concerned I think more. I explained to him that I don't know how to not over do. I don't know when to stop. I don't know when to stop because it changes from day to day, hour to hour.

Sorry, I'm rambling again. I'm the amazing motor mouth, chatter chatter chatter.

It's like that credit card commercial, where the guy has dug himself into deep deep debt, and he finally says "somebody please help me."

I haven't figured out why I don't do this in the house. Clean the inside of the house, empty drawers and cupboards and closets. I don't know why I don't turn this energy inside. I don't know why I don't use this energy to pain and refinish furniture or texture walls or retile my bathroom or my kitchen.

Mediterranean Diet 08-15-2006

Ok, I saw a new local Endocrinologist yesterday, mainly because I needed some local support, someone to locally help me interpret lab results and the like.

I also wanted to see if he could help me come up with an action plan so I don't end up in the ER any more because I crash so Low.

Well, he ordered yet more UFC tests because he didn't believe the other test results because they are too high, and I don't really "look Cushing's." Cushing's is a biomedical condition. No one says you don't have high blood pressure because you don't "look like you have high-blood-pressure..." And no plan of action to keep me out of the ER either...

ANYWAY...

He decided that I need to lose weight (ya' think??? ) So, he wants me to do the Mediterranean Diet. I suppose that would be ok, but it seems to be very high in Carbs, which as a Bandster, I have problems with on several levels, not the least being difficulty eating them . But it calls for drinking wine, but I don't drink wine , especially red wine, I just have never been able to develop the taste for it.

But I thought I'd share, since it sure gave me a laugh. Ok, so yesterday it was more hysterical laughter, but laughter still...

World Domination! 08-15-2006

I'm High again
I just mowed the front yard
and weeded part of my rock garden
and watered the rock garden
and cleaned the rust off the 3 different types of hoes
and cleaned the rust off the spade and the fork
and cleaned the fern
and mulched two flower beds
and watered the lilacs...
and two days ago a trip up from the basement needed a rest in-between
all last week I was weak and tired, could hardly do anything but sleep
I still don't feel "strong" like I will later in the week
if only I didn't have theses lows, can you imagine how much I could get accomplished?
World domination!

A memorial weekend 08-14-2006

Well, this weekend I spent with my mother-in-law, while she took care of some things for her best friend who recently died after a protracted illness. Every year, my MIL and her friend went to this charity high-tea out in Kelso, WA. The two charities support families in need, one is a family homeless shelter and the other provides new school supplies to kids in need.

The weather was lovely, but since we are having one of the driest summers on record (the next dry one was in 1960) It's been a lovely summer, but man I miss the rain!

Anyway, we went to the second sitting for the tea, which is the one that they always went too. I know it was hard for my MIL, especially since she brought several tea things to give to the Tea Lady.

We had several things that she needed to do. The next day we were going to go to their church, but we didn't sleep well, so we didn't go. She'd neglected to tell me that that was part of the plan, so I wasn't prepared. Pagans don't really attend church...my in-laws are Lutherans, but I've never been to a Lutheran service. Oh well. I didn't pack any "church" clothes...

So, we slept in, and went to breakfast at this cute little place, with ginormous portions. Since I'm unfilled I had heavenly French toast! ok, I had 1/2 piece of French toast and some bacon, but man, have I missed French toast ! We met the friend's son and his family for breakfast. It was pretty funny, I thought we were going to be eating with Church ladies, but my MIL headed straight for the table with the tough burly biker-looking dude sitting by himself. Massive tattoos on his biceps framed by his black tee-shirt, in the wife-beater style... Not the usual "type" of person my in-laws associate with! Nothing "proper" about him, but he was the nicest guy. I took pity on their 11 year-old grandson. The poor kid had to try to entertain himself quietly with a spoon and paper-napkin. I gave him my PDA to play with. I just couldn't sit there and let that kid be miserable... I know how it was with my son... Ah yes, I made a friend right then!

We spent a good chunk of the afternoon going to boxes and bags of the Friends things. Looking through the remains of a long life. The life of a stranger.

calories in/out debate 08-11-2006

I know that lots of people are convinced that weight loss is about calories in/out and I know that that holds true for the majority of people. But I have to wonder about us Cushies. I don't think that it is a matter that we have a really slow metabolism.

But the thing is, it doesn't matter how much I eat or don't eat. The calorie in/out would hold true if I gained massive amounts of weight on 1200-1500, when I couldn't lose on 1200, 1000, 800 or less than 700 calories. (I did gain 10 pounds in a week at 1000 calories, but that was one week.) It is entirely possible that my weight gain/loss has been only water, which is fine on one level because it lessens my edema problems. But not fine for why I had WLS. If my metabolism was truly that slow, I wouldn't metabolize medications as fast as I do, and I would gain constantly.

But as for low calories, I just don't see how other people can function on sub 700 long term. I will give you that it is entirely probable that I entered into a deep Low during the month I was too restricted. But I think the lowered calorie intake made the Low worse.

AI part II 08-09-2006

Well, I feel like I've been put through the wringer.

For a couple of weeks I was on a heck of a High. Or at least it feels that way. Sunday I was raging around for no good reason, felt like a bear someone was poking with a sharp stick. I've learned that a crash soon follows these rages, but crap! Monday I couldn't sleep and got up really early on Tuesday but felt really tired in the afternoon. I took a nap, and new a crash was eminent.

Oh man, but I sure wasn't expecting the crash I had. I rarely remember having any dreams when I nap, but yesterday was way out. New I was introuble in the dream. Got freezing cold, terrible drunk feeling with the spins and everything. I woke up and dry heaved for a while, terrible itching. But the worst was having the right side of my face... melt, along with slurring speach.

I had my son call Chris, and my husband. Chris had my son drive me to the ER and to not wait for my husband to get home. So my boys took me, and I waited in the ER for almost an hour to get a bed, and I waited almost 2 hours before I was able to get something to help with the nausia and the seering headache and flank pain.

They did a CT of my head, and it showed no problems. All in all I spent a almost 6 hours in the ER.

I placed several calls to various doctos, but no one as called me back yet.

I sure wish I knew what was "urgent" and what is just bad.

So, I've had three of thse in the last while. Two trips to the ER in the last four weeks. This one was worse than the last one.

I've been High for the last couple of weeks, and except for the bad parts, like the rage and anxiaty and general pissiness, I prefer the Highs to the Lows. I think being High for so long made the crash all that harder because I was hit bottom so hard.

Boozin' boozin, just you and I! 08-09-2006

Oh! We all are bloody-well boozin! (Chorus from my favorite Victorian Drinking song.)

One of my weird personal observations is that when I'm in a High I want alcoholic beverages. I mean, I almost crave them.

I'm not now, nor have I ever been an alcoholic, but I'm certainly predisposed to being one. My Great-grandfather was, my grandfather, my dad and 3 out of my 4 sibs are alcoholics. Because I've always know of my family history, and the possibility of being predisposed, I've always been very careful with my alcohol use.

When I'm on a High, alcohol has little if any effect one me that I can feel. No Buzz for me, no tipsy feeling no nothing. As an experiment I'm gonna see if I can find some of those personal use alcohol tester that I've been told they sell at continence stores. When I'm in a Low, I don't have any desire to drink.

I just thought this was very interesting.

Drinking Alcohol May Correct Stress-Hormone Malfunction http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/c...ull/36/12/20-a
A new study has linked an abnormal response in stress hormones to alcoholism and proposes that for a person with alcoholism, drinking alcohol may actually "correct" the abnormality.

The reward of a euphoric response to alcohol that most people experience is known to be related to the release of stress hormones. A new study suggests that people who are alcoholic may actually drink alcohol for its apparent ability to help correct a dysfunctional stress response.

The study reported two significant findings: First, some patients recovering from alcoholism, even after prolonged abstinence from alcohol, continue to have a significantly suppressed stress-response system. Secondly, their systems appear to be hypersensitive to serotonin. The study is described in the May issue of Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research.

According to the authors, some patients who are alcoholic respond differently from nonalcoholic patients to stressful situations that involve the brain’s serotonin system and may drink alcohol under stressful conditions in order to "correct" their brain’s response to the stress.

Subjects recovering from alcoholism were given fenfluramine to cause an acute increase in serotonin activity. This was then suspected of causing increased activity in the subjects’ limbic-hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (LHPA) axis—the system of interconnected brain structures that becomes especially active in response to stress—leading to secretion of the stress hormone cortisol by the adrenal glands.

"Our major finding," said researcher Robert M. Anthenelli, M.D., "was that alcoholics who had been abstinent for an average of more than four months had a twofold greater cortisol response compared with nonalcoholics following administration of fenfluramine." Anthenelli, the study’s lead author, is an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Cincinnati College of Medicine and director of substance dependence programs at the Cincinnati Veterans Affairs Medical Center.

He said the finding is surprising in that it contrasts with most other published reports indicating a blunted or unchanged stress response in patients who are alcoholic, with shorter periods of abstinence.

"We also found that the stress-hormone response in recovering alcoholics did not return to baseline levels as quickly as it did in age- and race-matched nonalcoholic control subjects. In other words, it appears that some of our recovering alcoholics had difficulty turning off the fenfluramine-induced stress response."

While the authors did not directly speculate on the implications of the findings, other researchers have. "It is reasonable to speculate," said Stephen Woods, M.D., professor of psychiatry and of neuroscience at the University of Cincinnati, "that there are physical consequences of this." Whether the change in the LHPA axis is the result of prior brain differences or is a consequence of former consumption of large amounts of alcohol isn’t yet known, Woods said in a press release issued by the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse.

"An interesting clue, however," Woods suggested, "is that the elevated cortisol response is reminiscent of what has been observed in individuals who have never before experienced alcohol, but who are considered at high risk for developing alcoholism. One possibility, therefore, is that the prolonged elevation of cortisol following fenfluramine is characteristic of certain alcoholism-prone individuals and can be observed either before they ever drink or after a prolonged period of abstinence."

"We propose," said Anthenelli, "that this may represent a trait marker of alcoholism . . .that could distinguish subgroups of alcohol-dependent people or those who have a predisposition for alcoholism from people who do not."

Woods thinks that the findings may suggest that the reason some people drink more alcohol and eventually become alcoholic "is that a ‘defect’ in their LHPA response to serotonin is ‘corrected’ by alcohol. If this were the case, then alcohol would have a greater degree of reward value for those individuals than for people who do not have the same ‘defect.’ "

"Stress Hormone Dysregulation at Rest and After Serotonergic Stimulation Among Alcohol-Dependent Men With Extended Abstinence and Controls" can be accessed on the Web at www.alcoholism-cer.com by entering "Anthenelli" under "Author." {blacksquare}


--------------------
Oregon 5-day work up 4/24
UFC 214 on 6/21
UFC 299 on 7/21
UFC 292 on 7/22

Cyclical Cushing's

If it walks like a platypus, talks like a platypus, looks like a platypus, it must duck because it has a duck bill and besides, platypus are too rare around these parts....

UFCs crucial
For Tyranny of the Jug
Pee into the hat

ramblin' ramblin' rambin' 08-05-2006

Nothing special planned for the weekend. I was going to spend some quality time with WoW, World of Warcraft, if everything co-operates. Hope to get a movie in on Sunday afternoon.

I spent about and hour this afternoon trimming bushes and waging war against the blackberries. Oh the Blackberries! Nothing says "abandoned property" like blackberries! Sure the English Ivy will take over almost as fast, but some how it looks genteel as opposed to abandoned and unloved. But I topped off the giant yard waste bin (not composing because of the blackberries) and a medium sized garbage can (again, not composting because of the blackberries.)

It's almost 3 am and I'm wide awake. I've been up since 7am and good grief. Kind of figures that the day I take a break from testing I'd be up all night. I don't care! I'm making a break from the Tyranny of the Jug!

Still no word from Chris at OHSU, I had called Thursday morning and left a message, I had hoped that she would call, but no such luck. *sigh*

I heard back from my niece tonight. I strongly suspect that she too has Cushing's. She saw her PCP, and he send her to an Endo requesting RUSH testing. She actually saw the Endo the next day. Doesn't look good, Her hump isn't humpy enough, she's not weak enough, her stria isn't red or wide enough, but he did order some blood tests and a UFC.

My son came home bragging that he'd gotten to see a Pirate rock band at the local mall. Every Friday they have live music on the stage, as well as several other nights, and tonight they had a group called Captain Bogg & Salty Spud and his girlfriend BabyGirl (I"m working on a new nickname for her, this week I'm calling her BabyGirl) bought all their CDs and had a really great time. Apparently the group had a FisherPrice, My First Mosh Pit... When I ripped the CDs to my hard drive it came up as Children's genre, so there were lots of kids in the audience. So there you go.

I'm detecting a theme to his latest gifts to me.. Pirate CD (but not pirated one ), pirate playing cards, pirate rubber ducky, and my very own tooba pirates... Well, I'll be well prepared for International Talk Like a Pirate Day, Sept 19th. (I'll be having my 3rd annual Pirate party... on 9/16, since ya can hardly have a rip-roaring Pirate party on a Tuesday Depending on how I feel tomorrow I might see if I can get my husband to take me to the SeaFair Pirates landing. Yeah, like I can handle the crowds... LOL!

Ah-hah, mystery explained 08-02-2006

Q: I'm just wondering if we know why we don't lose weight. Why we can't lose weight? As you know, I spent a month at less than 700 calories a day, an managed an impressive 1.5 pounds lost. Which I promptly gained when I went to 1000 calories a day. Can someone point me to some links? (and also hopefully break it down so I can understand it when I'm in a brain fog.)

Is it true that exercise increases cortisol levels or production?

This is the information I got from my Cushing's board http://cushings.invisionzone.com/index.php?showtopic=17111&st=0&gopid=145400&#entry 145400 (might need to register to view the thread.) LynneC is one of the long time Cushing's board member, and a great all-around resource.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynneC
The basic thing is that our bodies are designed to compensate when we're under stress. Our bodies haven't changed much since our caveman days. So when our bodies are under stress, like from a famine, the cortisol response kicks in and makes sure we have plenty of energy stores (fat) available to help us survive, just in case we need an energy boost while being chased by a sabertooth tiger. With Cushing's, of course, we have a source of stress hormone operating independently of our circumstances and it doesn't shut off. Our entire digestive and metobolic system changes. Food, any food, is sent to our fat stores. Around our trunk/upper body is the most efficient place to store it for "easy access". We then receive all our energy from the breakdown of muscle. If not enough food is consumed for our needs, then the body will turn the muscle itself into fat.

Some people have been able to lose weight with Cushing's. It may have to do with intermittant cortisol secretion, so their bodies get a break once in awhile. Severe dieting (like a 700 cal. program) can actually make things worse. For example, anorexics have high cortisol levels. If their cortisol didn't kick in, they would die much sooner from starvation.

Wow, I don't know about anyone else, but this has been a light bulb moment for me.

Ah-HAH This makes sense.

This headache that I've got that WILL NOT go away, started in Nov, the month I was *super* restricted with my band. This is also when my symptoms started to be real. I've always had the symptoms, always had these stretches where I would suddenly gain weight but otherwise feel pretty good, vs. long stretches where I felt practically immobilized with Fibro...

Holy meth-addict Batman! 08-01-2006

I got my results from Chris yesterday, before I became a raving lunatic.

7/21 299
7/22 292
7/23 171
7/25 61.2

So, I'm not surprised that I felt so horrible when I dropped. I had a drop of 230 in a matter of days. I have no doubt that I dropped further than that.

I am still working out when I'm High. I thought I had figured this out perfectly, but as it turns out, I apparently get really 'roid ragy *just* after I peaked.

Previously I've been testing just one day, when I felt I was at my highest, when I was at my most crazy pissed-off lunatic. If this last testing phase holds true, where I tested for several days starting when I thought I was entering my High, then I should be testing before I think I'm High, I should start testing when I'm swinging High.

It might be that when you think you are swinging you are actually higher, and when you think you are high, you are dealing with the flood of cortisol in your system.

Just a thought anyway. But I also have heard other cyclical Cushies say that the thought they were low when they were high.

I really think the only way to know when you are where is to test. If nothing else, it gives you a baseline so that you know that when you feel X, your numbers are probably within Y range.

Now, as to being a lunatic yesterday. Holy meth-addict Batman!

Yesterday morning I still felt really bad, nauseous, back hurting like a mutha-fucker. I spent all weekend sucking down phenegrin and vicodin. Well, not so much the pain killers, just power through that pain, but then it got the point of am I nauseous because of the pain, or am in pain from the nausea? That didn't make any sense, how could one be in pain from the nausea, so I figured the pain was making things worse. Anyway. I felt like dog-pooh all weekend. Friday was really bad because I felt like I had my HIGH and Low both together. I felt so bad no WoW for me!

I did manage some PvP in the battle grounds, I lost my Blood Guard rank with Palan, and I really need to work on getting my tier 1 Beastmaster kit. But I ran some lowbies through some dungeons to help them with their quests. Mike was amazed that I was able to one-shot just about everything in the Wailing Caverns. I really want to both work on my Beastmaster Kit, but I also want to drag Karada up so we can do instances together again, where we both will get benefit.

Ohh, nothing like a little ADD thrown in the mix! Okay, back to yesterday. ... I felt crappy all morning, then about noon I started to feel better, then by 1 or 2 in the afternoon I felt GREAT! I mean, really, really good. I had lots of energy, but by 3... I started feeling like I had almost too much energy, if that was possible. Like I'd had 2 or 3 Red Bulls one right after another.

Time seemed to dilate, like I was moving faster than everything around me. I tried to type out something on my Cushing's board, to see if anyone had similar symptoms, but I couldn't type, my fingers were moving too fast, and it was just ... wrong. I had way more energy than I should have.

I went for a super fast walk around the block, I was almost running, but power walking for sure. Then I started in on the yard work again. Then I made my son get the pressure washer out and move it so I could pressure wash the front and side walk ways. I was completely out of control.
Quote:
Oh my, my!

I was incredibly manic and completely out of control. I did a ridiculous amount of yard work. I was completely out of control. I was frantic and frenetic. I called Chris, and she told me to test. (of course she would tell me that.) I just couldn't work that out on my own. I should have been able to but I couldn't. I was standing there just vibrating, and flailing my right hand, shaking it as hard as I could.

I eventually got so sweaty, I had to take off my shoes, then when I sat down, I felt like I had a strong electric current running through my mouth. Then I crashed for about two hours, woke up stiff and hardly able to move.

I feel more normal. At least, normal for me.

It is like I didn't swing High, I was just suddenly and completely HIGH. It was terrifyingly High.

I crashed out for a couple of hours, until about 8pm, and then was up for several more hours. I went to bed about 1:am, but I was still buzzing. I didn’t want to get up because I was enjoying snuggling with Mike. I missed him while I was sleeping outside.

no help for the wicked 07-29-2006

Wow, so much has changed since I originally started the thread "no help for the wicked." It was 3 months before I was banded, and I was really struggling with my asthma. I mean, really struggling. Death looked like a real possibility.

I really thought that by now I would have lost if not all my excess weight, I would have lost a big whack of it. I was sure that I would be a size 16 by now, not still 22/24. But that is not in the cards for me. I still struggle with this.

But I suppose I should have clued into the "sudden weight gain" since no one else seems to experience that particular "joy." I've since learned that it's one of the hallmarks of Cushing's, and I've had to come to terms with learning that my journey is not the typical journey.

Someone on a recent thread was commenting on how pissed they were because someone told them that by having WLS they were not doing it "right" that they were not doing it the old fashioned way. That somehow having the band was cheating and so any loss would be less valuable.

I personally think that WLS is the easy way, because it makes it makes it possible for so many people to actually lose weight and keep it off for possibly the first time in their entire lives. I have absolutely no problem with this being the easy way, because I have no need for people to suffer. I see little value in adding suffering and grief to life. It's hard enough without looking for extra hardness to add.

performance enhancing drugs... 07-27-2006

It seems like the only sports stories I hear about are the scandals involving professional athletes and steroids and/or performance enhancing drugs. It got me thinking. How can I personally relate these stories with my life?

Imagine if you will, that I am a world famous athlete. I’m one of the world’s top baseball players. Never mind that in reality I’m recently 44, 5’4” with frizzy hair and I’m shaped like a baseball… Why, even my face is shaped like a baseball… Anyway, someone gets suspicious… my bat’s on fire, and I hit for the cycle almost every game! Hey battah-battah!

My batting average gets better and better, until finally, the baseball commission finally has no option, they must test me for steroids and performance enhancing drugs. Bad news for me! The blood tests come back and my testosterone comes back “freakishly high” and I’m clearly on steroids… They are even starting to affect my life off-field, getting into fights…

Dr. Bruce Banner... Cushing's patient? 07-27-2006

Okay, we all know that Dr. Bruce Banner got dosed with too much Gamma Radiation, which turns him into The Incredible Hulk.

So...

I'm thinking that it was his Pit that got especially zapped. His ACTH has to be affected, since he turns green. (I'm not sure where the ACTH is produced, so I could be wrong.)

"You wouldn't like me when I’m angry" pretty much sums me up when I'm High...

So is he cyclical with *really* short cycles, or full blown Cushing's?

I edited this because I got his name wrong! Good think I married a Geek-boy-husband because he was able to straighten me out!

Also, someone pointed out to me that The Hulk is green not because of t he extra ACTH, but green from nausea. Some folks have nausea with their High phase... And most people agree, the Hulk is probably definitely cyclical...

benign breast mass Date Posted: 07-27-2006 at 02:59 PM

Well, the mass in my breast is benign. The whole process was so painful, and I ended up with tears streaming down my face as she mashed my breast in the machine.

I don't know if there will be a bruise, but I'll be surprised if there isn't one.

It’s funny, in an odd sort of way, but I’m surprised at my reaction to this whole “you have a mass in your breast” business. Denial is such a protective reaction to news. Shock is one of our body protects it to keep us from bursting into flames from the stress. I suppose that being on a deep Low helped as well. Although the Low made the whole breast squashing ritual all the more painful.

Friday's UFC, a personal best 07-26-2006

I've been on a dewsy of a High since about Thursday, I've been testing back-to-back since Friday night. (ok, I didn't test from Midnight last night to 10:30 this morning because the lab I use was out of UFC jugs.)

Chris called me this afternoon, which I missed her first two calls. I was in the backyard sleeping under the maples. She called again this evening, and gave me Friday's results ....

Friday I hit 299. The Gods only know what I hit yesterday and today, when I feel like I was much Higher than Friday. I should have those results probably on Thursday... I don't even want to think about what happens on Thursday.

Anyway, Chris said they want me to come back down to OHSU on my next High cycle. So, that should be in two weeks, give or take.

I expect to crash in the next day or so, if my pattern holds true.

temper temper : 07-25-2006

So, I'm feeling really High, which doesn't help.

I woke up late, not that I have anything to do with my life, but I wanted to get up before it got hot.
Husband refuses to sleep with me, so I'm generally pissed off about that. He doesn't want to sleep outside with me, and inside is ... well there is no way I can sleep in the house its so hot. He said there was no room. IT'S THE FREAKING BACK-YARD! HOW MUCH ROOM DOES HE THINK HE NEEDS????

So. I got up late. Took my two full UFC jugs from yesterday into the lab so I could have my blood drawn. They always want it fasting, so no coffee yet for me. Because it's a fasting-draw, it means the my morning is disrupted, because I don’t' have my coffee. It's the ritual, more than the caffeine, I think.

Get to the lab, they draw my blood. I've been doing back-to-back UFCs since Friday, but they ran out of the containers because I'm pee-ing my brains out. (Is it normal to pee 5000 ccs a day? I think not.) Anyway, this morning they got a shipment of supplies, and the containers they got for the UFCs are 3 ounces. THREE OUNCE BOTTLES FOR ME! Ok, that was actually funny.

Did I mention that I got a phone call about 5 minutes after I got up? It was from the breast cancer center. They found a large mass in my right breast.

Obviously, 3-oz bottles are not going to cut it for the pee machine I've turned into, so the other lab-tech drives over to their main office to get the right ones for me. While she's gone, I decide I'll head over to the grocery store to get a latte. I bought some small grocery items, while I was there, some specialty coffee stuff. I got some cash back so could go to the movies to beat the heat.

I go back and get my correct UFC containers, and it hits me that the total at the grocery store was a little excessive, so I double checked my receipt. They over charged me for the maple sugar, by $4! So, I drive back to the grocery store and get that straightened out. I leave the store, and the sugar on the counter. Then I realize I've lost the $20 bucks I got earlier, and the guy comes out with my sugar.

So, by this time, I'm cranky, my head is splitting, my kidneys hurt, and I've just realized I've lost a $20 bill. Oh, and I have to pee. I go to call my husband, wanting him to say something sweet to me, and discover he's forgotten to pay the cell phone bill. In my frustration, I had a temper tantrum, and threw the phone onto the passenger seat, which promptly bounced against the window.... That was the best part of the morning. That I'd rolled up the window.

I didn't realize that my son, who's been driving my car, left me on empty. I don't think I have enough to make it to the gas station. So, he's not going to drive my car again, not for a long while. Oh, and the last time he drove it, he and his girlfriend destroyed my MP3 adapter so I can listen to it through the car stereo.

All I wanted to do when I got home was take a baseball bat to something. Anything. My husband's motorcycle. The broken one he bought for me and refuses to fix. Smash all the mirrors in the house because I can't stand the sight of me anymore. Break every dish in the house, throw all his clothes out on the lawn and set them on fire, take an ax to the shed.