Crash so soon

I don't know if anyone else with Cushing’s is able to predict when their tumor shuts off, and I don't know how severe their fall is.

I have degrees of shut-down, and falls. Typically total shutdown happens at 1:30 AM, but I've had 4 shutdowns now that were not Dex induced at about 1:00 and one at 10:00. (Told you I journal everything) The hardest ones I will have the feeling that I'm absolutely smashed out drunk, unstable, slurring word, not able to walk a straight line, not coordinated. Well, less coordinated than usual anyway.

The first time this ever happened to me I was about 28, and it woke up out of a dream where I was at a party. I thought I just dreamed a powerful drinking dream.. but that's one reason I know I've been Cushing’s for a very long time. That was the summer I gained 50 pounds in 2 months.

After being told that my headaches are nothing more than narcotic induced rebounds, and that I was a drug addict, I decided that I had to journal when I use them as well. (don't tell me you didn't see that one coming)

I need pain pills two days before the tumor shuts off, the day it shuts off, and then the day after it shuts off. This is when it gets really bad, like ER trip bad, usually.

The noise gets the loudest, typically, just in the couple of days building to a shutdown too.

Right, anyway, The Noise started getting really bad a few days ago, and I started taking pain pills a couple days ago. I popped High a couple days a go. Well, not terribly high, more like “Normal” than High, but I was able to get things done. Like the dishes. And most of three loads of laundry. Small victories.

I know in the WLS community we have NSV, our Non-Scale Victories. I think we have to have something like this too. Something that we recognize as victories over our Cushing’s. I know that part of the problem is that for some of us we just physically cannot do many things that we need to, like the laundry or the dishes. Or things we want to do, like go shopping or stay awake to watch a TV show.

My tumor shut off this afternoon at 1:30 while I was grocery shopping with my husband. I hoped that I would have an extra day of being High, but I didn't. My last Crash was Monday, and here it is Saturday. I did have two days of being High though. But 2 days of terrible headaches, 2 days taking pain pills. Pretty much like I expected, given my pain journal.

My tumor shut off at 1:30, the small coma, the peu de mort, the little death, lasted just shy four hours. Gotta love Babel fish!

I don’t know how much longer this can last. I don’t know how much longer I can go. Monday morning I’m going to page Chris and see if there are any answers for me.

But darkness calls. I cannot resist the warm embrace.