9/29/2005 Turtle Tribe Spokes-model

Posted to LBT today the following. “Live2canoe” had created a thread nominating me to be the leader of the Slow Losers.

“…we need to elect a leader. Someone who will voice our opinion clearly and with wisdom and humor. Our Leader will support us in our efforts and remind us of our NSV's and to not be discouraged.

I nominate - Vinesqueen. I can think of no on here on the board more eloquent and positive in her day to day outlook. (she has no idea about this, by the way - this is my own little invention - but I still think she should be our leader)”

Tuesday was really hard for me. I've been beating myself up because I'm not losing weight. I mean, I'm seriously obsessing over this. I obsessively count calories trying to stay near the 1200 calorie mark, but I allow myself +/- 100 calories before I wig out.

I know that doesn't make sense, none of this does. I feel like a failure. All around us we se so many people "6 months out and I've lot 70 pounds!" People that started with very close to my BMI & height/weight. I see posts from newbies "help! I'm two months out and have only lost 50 pound, how can I lose more?!" and I want to scream, I want to throw things at my monitor. I want to rant and rail at them, tell them to shut the hell up.

I'm very happy for the rabbits amongst us. I celebrate their rapid victories, their fame and glory, but at the same time, I rant and rail. I am envious and jealous, which is know isn't good for my soul, but I cannot help the emotions. I would never want to see any of them the frustrations I feel; I never wish them ill, I only wish some of their success was mine.

On the other board I'm on, I don't get any real support there, I only feel like I get beaten up there... I had a serious PB with peanut butter on toast... The only feed back I got was "oh I never eat peanut butter, bla bla bla" Well, you got your band with a BMI of 32, so SHUT THE HELL UP!

I've been seeing a therapist about my trouble. She has some experience with eating disorders, this being a college campus and all, but no experience with anyone with WLS. *sigh* But she and I decided that I should just forget this band thing. I'm not able to function at school.. I mean I'm seriously obsessing over this and driving myself into depression. Not a healthy place.

She said that I should probably stop going to the on-line support groups that I currently use, and find a group for folks that are not successful with the band. I thought that was probably a good idea. That I should find people who were struggling with the same lack of success I find myself facing.

She also said that I need to stop counting calories. That I need to just back away from the whole weight loss thing right now, since it has taken over my life, and not in a healthy way either. Not being able to study or do my school work is bad bad bad for a college student, especially one on a scholarship with academic requirements...

Well, that was Tuesday afternoon. When I got home from work, there was your "Slow Losers Unite!" thread. I broke down and cried really hard when I saw it. I didn't have to go find the slow losers, they were there waiting for me with their squishy hugs and soft arms. Not to judge me as harshly as I judge myself, but to accept me and to celebrate me like I cannot.

And so, I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks, salty pain yet salty hope as well.