8/11/05 raging anger and completely discouraged, who me?

I initially had great loss, I was going like gang busters. I lost 35 pounds by almost the 3 month. Yes, 10 or 15 pounds were water weight because I had a sever edema problem. Yes no more edema was one of my first NSV. But whee! the weight was coming off! Then my weight loss stopped. I gained about 5 pounds before my first fill.

After my first fill last month I lost 1 pound. This month I lost 1 pound. 2 months, 2 pounds. At the support meeting this week, I had my official weigh-in. 1 pound down since last month. I was so angry and pissed off and discouraged, words fail to express my disappointment. I have attempted to be the model Bandster.

I feel like I had good restriction, and my food has been ... small. My calories have been in the zone. But no loss. 2 months and 2 pounds. So angry. So many tears.

Yes, I have had so many NSV I've thought about starting a thread dedicated to all my NSV. Yes, this weekend I actually bought a LARGE jacket, not a XXL jacket. But this NSV was completely obliterated by my non-loss. Stupid scale. Failure me.

5 months ago they were considering putting me on oxygen therapy. Again. Today I don't even carry a puffer with me, and I run for the bus without a second thought. Okay, my second thought is "I wonder what these people think of big fat me running," and my third thought is "don't get in my way!" I chased my sweet 6' tall baby through a parking lot this weekend, him trying his best to not get caught, me doing my darndest to catch him. We ran around for about 2 minutes. Yeah, not long, but I was running to catch him. Not even out of breath, except for maybe the laughter.

But the scale hasn't moved in 2 months and I feel like a failure.

I was so angry I actually had a temper tantrum. I was so upset I almost quit everything related to the band. I was so upset to the point that I almost came here a deleted every one of my posts. All of them. I felt like a liar, like what could I possibly have to contribute because I am not loosing.

But I waited. I know better to act in the heat of my anger.

Of course, my wonderful Spudboy and DH have tried to put things into perspective for me. They have noticed my size change. They have noticed my increased energy and my increased spirits. They keep pointing out that I've been really sick for so long, and that my body is probably rebuilding the muscle that I've lost.

This summer, I have had on going health issues that are not related to the band. I've had on going GYN issues, including a ruptured ovarian cyst. Talk about painful! I never passed out from the pain from that, but man I was close. I went through almost an entire bottle of phenegren in two weeks because of the pain induced nausea. Anyway, I spent 2 months on various drugs that normally cause weight gain, but I maintained. I suppose that is an NSV, but again, the NSV is obliterated by the scale.

I know the scale lies. I've known that it lies for at least decade, but yet I still listen to what it says. I am so very discouraged. I have a fill appointment schedule so I have a fill before I go off to Idaho. The next opportunity I have for a fill will be November.

Why can't I take my own advice? Why can't I be kind to myself? Stupid scale.

I didn't throw a single shoe. I threw both of my shoes after kicking the building. Then I stomped around -- like 8 blocks worth of stomping. I got to the freeway and decided I couldn't stomp home, so I stomped the 4 blocks back. Then I pounded on the dashboard... not the most spectacular temper tantrum I've ever had, but ... at least there was no property damage this time.

Oh, when I throw a temper tantrum, I do it right. DH handled it like a champ though. He didn't try to "do" anything to calm me down. It was the first temper tantrum he's ever seen me have.